Dating during recovery from codependency
Actually, the entire book explores ideas for improving relationships.All our recovery work-dealing with shame, doing our historical work, believing we deserve the best, breaking the rules, learning to affirm and empower ourselves, learning to believe we're lovable-affects our relationships.
You are concerned about the pain and/or abuse that you are experiencing in your relationships.Because codependents consistently put others’ needs ahead of their own, they often believe that they are “nice” people.“I’m doing what everybody wants me to do,” you tell yourself, “so why do I get mistreated so much of the time?(And that’s a lot.) Codependence – which I’ll define in a moment – is one of the biggest problems people have in relationships, and it always leads to a breakup or festering resentment on both sides.The good news is that you can break free from this problem. Codependence was a term originally developed by self-help guru Melody Beattie, and she actually developed the concept to describe the dynamic that develops when a person is in a relationship with an addict.For him, he feels anxious when she chooses the social company of others.
That she sometimes wants social time without him feels like a major threat.
Yet codependence today refers to something broader, where a person loves another and loses himself or herself along the way in the effort to stay fused. Though many of the rules are often unspoken, both members of a codependent couple are keenly aware of what is and what is not allowed in the relationship.
The codependent mindset says, ‘Let’s do everything together and be all things for each other so that we never, ever end up alone.’ High stakes, right? I see a couple in my practice who always manages to fight about the same thing: She wants to meet friends for drinks after work for happy hour, but he wants her to invite him or to hang out at home with him instead.
If you sometimes find that you sabotage your own needs in relationships, there could be many reasons.
However, codependency symptoms are common for people who grew up in a dysfunctional home -- especially if you took on the role of a caretaker.
Others may leave but repeat the same or a similar self-destructive pattern in a new relationship.