Ten most important dating questions
Married at 28, with a history of multiple relationships prior, widowed at 40, following a 12 year “paradoxical marriage,” I have been ostensibly single for nearly 16 years, with the exception of a few short term relationships and friends with benefits interactions.
I noticed myself nodding in recognition as I ticked off the kinds of issues that clients I have seen as a therapist for the past three decades have presented in our sessions.I could second guess “If I knew then what I know now,” and beat myself up over all of the shoulda woulda coulda’s and believe me, I have.I would much rather explore and examine, from the perspective of being on the other side of the experience, not just what I want, but what I want, even though relationship experts generally encourage focus on the positive.Consider popping a few of these questions on your next first date and see where they lead the conversation. What do they wish they could have done differently, if anything? You don’t have to rapid fire interrogate someone, of course, but it can lead to a conversation about their past that’s meaningful but still light. This isn’t meant to prompt a confession of your date’s failures. What about you, what do you wish you were better at? This question will let your date show their vulnerable side, and admit to something they’re not entirely comfortable with, particularly if you chip in first to show solidarity.If nothing else, you’re bound to get some interesting answers. Maybe it’s about being with their pet dog in the backyard or the smell of their grandmother’s house. The best way to approach it is as a light-hearted thing by offering an example of your own. ” Or, “True fact, I didn’t learn how to tie my shoes until I was in high school.” It’s a way of letting your guard down and laughing at yourself, a very attractive quality, and an invitation for your date to do the same. What things would you save if your apartment were on fire? Do you ever have a hard time accepting No when you want something? i.e., they think others are attacking them when in fact they are not. Do you ever have a sense of being a failure as a person? Rationale: Does the person have emotional self-awareness?
Rationale: Is s/he entitled, disrespectful or needy? If you weren’t doing the job you’re doing now, what would you like to do? Rationale: Is s/he erratic, dysregulated or impulsive-in-a-bad-way? Do you feel confident about your ability to solve everyday problems that come up? Without emotional self-awareness, people can’t easily communicate when they need caring, and that tends to cause problems in relationships. To make an awesome relationship even better, these are great resources for giving your relationship a tune-up.
I am a believer, based on my own personal and professional perspective that I need to clear the detritus of previous encounters in order to build anew.
So many people create new relationships on the wreckage of old interactions. I’ll live with myself 24/7 for the rest of my life and if I choose to blend my life with another’s, that is crucial.
(Maybe their relationship with one of their parents or siblings isn’t great.) This is a nice way to leave it open-ended, and let your date chat about their family in terms that are as specific or as general as they want. It opens up room to hear about what they value without making your date feel like they’re bragging. And even if books aren’t your thing, you can bond over your thoughts on whether was better over a movie or a book. Maybe they love that they get to try new restaurants and meet new people, but hate that it takes so long to get to know someone.
podcast and answered ten questions on singleness and dating.
First dates can be exciting and awesome, but they can also be nerve-wracking, awkward, and pretty flippin’ weird.